What is deconstruction? I can describe what it feels like better than I can explain what it is.
Deconstruction feels like walking alone through a pitch-black forest.
It’s the unsettling feeling you get when the ground you’re walking on becomes unstable, ready to collapse under you.
It’s a deep-seated, gnawing fear that there’s nothing out there.
It’s being hit by wave after wave of uncertainty to the point where you feel like you’re drowning.
It’s clinging on to whatever meager strands of hope you can find, just to survive.
It’s a journey through darkness in hope of finding a light.
It’s walking a road you did not choose and would rather not follow.
It’s been called the dark night of the soul.
Now we call it deconstruction.
Over the last fifteen years or so, I’ve made that journey.
Thankfully, and by God’s grace, I’ve made it through.
I’ve decided to share my journey here. I’m not sure how long it will take me to do that, but if God grants me the time, I’ll share as much as I can. Since my heart attack last year, I’ve learned never to take anything for granted, especially that I’ll be alive tomorrow.
Why am I telling my story now?
Partly because the circumstances of my life have aligned to the point where I have time to write. (Semi-retirement is wonderful that way!)
I’m also writing about my own deconstruction because there’s a lot of fuzzy thinking out there regarding what deconstruction is, what it means, who it happens to, and so on.
Many people identify deconstruction with demolition, thinking that those who go through the process are nominal Christians who are turning away from Christ and trashing the faith. Granted, there are some of those. But truth be known, the faithful Christian sitting in the pew in front of you might be walking that road, afraid to confide in anyone.
I was one of the silent ones. I shared with Laurel and a handful of others, but even then my speech was guarded.
Through the darkest times I had a prayer that I prayed every day, sometimes multiple times a day: “Lord, don’t let go of me. And don’t let me let go of you.”*
He answered that prayer and we walked through the forest hand-in-hand.
I’m sharing my story because of the many who are deconstructing but don’t say so publicly because they’re afraid of what people will think or say. Sometimes it helps to hear that you are not alone. If you’re in that position, I hope my story will be an encouragement.
Deconstruction is a perilous journey through a dark forest. You don’t pass through unchanged or unscathed.
But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
It’s not the first time Jesus and I have walked through uncertainty together, and it won’t be the last.
Maybe these posts will help you better understand those who say they are deconstructing their faith.
Or perhaps they will help you through your own process of deconstruction/reconstruction.
Either way, I invite you to join me as I reflect on this journey and what I have learned along the way.
*(That prayer is not original to me. I read it somewhere and latched onto it like a drowning person clutches a life preserver. I wish I remembered where I read it because I’d love to give the author credit.)
Next Week: Sneaking Communion, and Priestly Blessings.
All Posts in this Series: A Deconstruction Observed
A Masterclass in Compassion…at a Comic-con!