A Deconstruction Observed Pt 19
I didn’t choose to go through a faith deconstruction, but I certainly set myself up for it. In fact, I laid the foundation years before my crash even started. The irony is that one (but by no means the only) cause of my deconstruction was the fortress of certainty I built around my faith to “strengthen” it.
I was a self-taught Christian for the early portion of my faith journey. I came to faith in Christ through a Billy Graham telecast and my education was through cassette tapes, mostly from Walter Martin (cults) and Hal Lindsey (end times). Listening to tapes about cults taught me a principle: Know what you believe and why you believe it. Listening to Hal Lindsey’s captivating messages about the end times (and reading The Late Great Planet Earth) taught me to crave certainty about the future and how God’s plan for the end times would unfold.
But my confidence took a hit when I deconstructed out of the Charismatic Movement. I had placed a great deal of emphasis on beliefs and ideas that I now considered incorrect. As I went forward, now a non-charismatic, I unconsiously determined not to let that happen again. I say “unconsciously” because it wasn’t as if I went forward with some sort of plan. I continued to pursue my education but there was a shift from heart to head. In the ensuing years I added what I now call layers of certainty to my faith.
ADDING LAYERS OF CERTAINTY
My experience as a charismatic Christian was largely heart and emotion. I loved the long worship services, singing, and praise sessions. I loved speaking in tongues and hearing the latest testimonies of miracles that God had performed.
After I left, that was all gone. Leaving emotionalism behind, I now determined to learn as much as I could about God, Jesus, the Bible, and how it all worked together.
Now that I was pursuing a degree in theology I began to pour myself into studying and understanding theology and doctrine. I had already begun that process during the two years I spent as a Bible major at LeTourneau. Indeed, those two years were influential in my leaving the Charismatic movement. But they also built on some things I already had learned as well as adding some new elements to the mix.
LAYER #1: DISPENSATIONALISM
My first layer of certainty was dispensationalism. I already had embraced some key tenets of dispensational premillennialism through my end-times studies with Hal Lindsey tapes. I just didn’t know that the rapture theology I had learned was part of a larger system, often referred to as dispensationalism. As this was fleshed out, I learned that dispensationalism was about more than Hal Lindsey’s end-times teaching. It was a system of Bible interpretation that divided human history into seven periods (dispensations) in which God worked to bring about the redemption of the human race. With this layer of certainty I had a solid idea of God’s plan for the ages.
LAYER #2: GOTHARDISM
I found my second layer of certainty during my freshman year of college when I attended Bill Gothard’s Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts (later renamed the Institute in Basic Life Principles). This was in 1973 and Gothard taught live. I was impressed by the definitive and clear-cut way he laid out how the Christian life (along with things like submission to authority) fit into neat and well-defined precepts. Gothard’s system was concrete. It was clear. And, like the principles of dispensationalism, it gave me a feeling of security. This layer of certainty gave me a solid foundation in what Christians were supposed to be like and how we were supposed to act in all circumstances.
LAYER #3: YOUNG EARTH CREATIONISM
I added another layer of certainty during my freshman year as I learned about young-earth creationism. I read The Genesis Flood by Henry Morris and John Whitcomb and in later years discovered tapes and videos from the Institute for Creation Research. I especially enjoyed the teaching of Ken Ham, who later founded Answers in Genesis. I came to believe that God created the world ex-nihilo in six twenty-four-hour days, that there was no death before Adam, that evolution couldn’t possibly be true, and that if I were to give way on any of these points the entire structure of Christianity would collapse. This layer of certainty gave me assurance of an uncomplicated universe where everything made sense, even though that universe was fallen and in need of redemption.
LAYER #4: INTELLECTUALISM AND APOLOGETICS
I added another layer of certainty when a friend and I attended the premiere tour of Francis Schaeffer’s seven-part film series How Should We Then Live? at SMU (Southern Methodist University). Francis Schaeffer and his son Frank were there and would answer questions after each film. This was my first exposure to Francis Schaeffer and I was deeply impressed by his intellectual approach to the Christian faith. I liked his intelligent and reasoned approach to Christianity. In the years that followed I also gravitated to apologists and intellectuals such as Josh McDowell, Os Guinness, Ravi Zacharias, and others to strengthen my conviction that Christianity was not only faith based, it was also rational.
LAYER #5: HIGH CALVINISM (DETERMINISM)
During my pastoral years I added a layer of ultimate certainty by exploring the writings and teachings of Jonathan Edwards, R. C. Sproul, John Piper and others, ultimately embracing high Calvinism and believing in meticulous providence (i.e. determinism). I loved Sproul’s oft-repeated statement that… “if there’s one maverick molecule in the universe, God is not sovereign; and if God is not sovereign, God is not God.” I found comfort in believing that God was in absolute control of the most miniscule details of my life.
It took decades, but I built a fortress of certainty around my faith. I knew what I believed and why I believed it. But when I read The Language of God and became convinced that the science of evolution was accurate, my carefully constructed fortress collapsed.
I was in the dark forest and there was no way out but forward.
The posts in this series recount my journey through the dark forest of faith deconstruction and reconstruction, a process that covered about ten years of my life. It is not my intent to disparage anyone’s beliefs; I am merely describing how the following beliefs worked in my life. Also, I am telling my story, not seeking to debate. Please be mindful of that in your comments. I will delete any comments I consider argumentative.
