How I Entered the Dark Forest of Deconstruction

I had a problem.

As I wrote previously, I had concluded that the universe and the earth were not only old; they were ancient. It went against everything I’d been taught, everything I’d believed, indeed everything I’d taught others. But it was the only thing that made sense.

The problem was: how could I reconcile an ancient universe with what I had previously believed: that the universe had been created in six twenty-four-hour days and was less than 10,000 years old?

I began searching for a solution, a way to preserve my worldview, which now felt a bit shaky.

My first stop was Dr. Hugh Ross and his organization, Reasons to Believe (RtB). I’d read some of Ross’s books in years past and I had found them interesting, but not persuasive. I decided it was time for a second look.

Ross and RtB teach a concept known as old-earth creationism. Simplistically put, old-earth creationism is a belief that the universe is indeed ancient but that God actively intervened through long ages to create the world and species we see today. RtB became a lifeline for me for a while. It enabled me to somewhat reconcile my belief in an old universe and yet avoid thinking about another possibility: evolution.

Laurel and I spent a lot of time traveling during those years and while we were on the road I would often have the RtB podcast playing. Their explanations seemed reasonable. It’s entirely possible that my search would have stopped there, had it not been for something that happened in March of 2011.

Laurel and I were working a homeschooling conference. I had been looking forward to this conference because one of my favorite young-earth creationist speakers would be there. Even though I’d changed my opinion about the age of the earth, I still enjoyed listening to this fellow. And to be honest, I was still somewhat on the fence. I asked Laurel if she would watch our booth alone for an hour while I went to his workshop. She agreed, and I made my way to the large hall where he would be speaking.

It was a talk that I’d heard on tape before but there was a twist this time. Somewhere in the message (I don’t remember where) the speaker commented on the fact that the sponsoring organization had also invited BioLogos to be part of the conference. (BioLogos is an organization that promotes the concept of evolutionary creation, i.e. that God used evolution to create the universe—sometimes called theistic evolution.)

I don’t remember exactly what the speaker said, but I felt his remarks and his attitude were ungracious. As a public speaker myself, I felt that he should have expressed his disagreements about the speaker list privately to the conference organizers, not to his audience. I walked out of that workshop extremely disappointed by the speaker’s words and attitude toward other believers whom he disagreed with.

I also left that workshop deeply ashamed. In a way, watching the speaker was like looking in a mirror. I had viewed BioLogos with suspicion ever since I’d heard of the organization. As a young-earth creationist myself, I’d wondered how could a Christian possibly believe that God used evolution to create? Although I’d never spoken against them, in my heart I’d harbored plenty of animosity toward them. I had, in fact, considered them an enemy.

After that workshop, my own attitude changed. In particular, I realized that I had never once read a book about evolution from any perspective other than that of a young-earth creationist. I’d read plenty of books by evangelical Christians that attempted to disprove evolution. But I’d never really considered the evidence objectively. I decided that it was time to do that.

I don’t recall exactly how I went about considering the evidence or how long the process took. I did know that I wasn’t ready to dive into Richard Dawkins’ writings. Eventually I found my way to Dr. Francis Collins’ book, The Language of God.

I knew a little about Dr. Collins through his work with the Human Genome Project, something that had fascinated me. And I knew that he was a Christian as well as a scientist. If anyone could help me understand what evolutionary creationists thought, I felt he could.

The book was overwhelming. Dr. Collins’ account of how he went from atheism to faith in Jesus Christ was powerful. But the chapter where he presented the evidence for evolution from genetics was compelling. In the past I’d found it easy to dismiss the fossil record and geological evidence. (I thought Noah’s flood could account for all that.) But here, stamped in the very code that makes us human was an unmistakable history and an undeniable connection to other living things.

I couldn’t answer it. And I didn’t know what to do about it.

I remember sitting at the dinner table with Laurel one day shortly after this. My voice broke and I fought back tears as I told her, “The evidence is compelling. And I’m conflicted.”

My carefully constructed worldview, based on certainty, had collapsed.

And I had crossed the threshold into the dark forest of deconstruction.